I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
