i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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