You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
