1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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