I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
