i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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