He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
