Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
