Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
