when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How does it feel to date your dad?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
