he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
her facebook's as public as her vagina
bring money and cleavage
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize