I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
