You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
