May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
