Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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