i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no, he came in my armpit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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