she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize