My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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