Will you blow on my dice?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
