highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
