Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
