she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
