i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
