i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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