1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I did not marry a roomba.
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