My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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