"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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