she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
