Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
