His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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