1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
