Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
