Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
