I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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