so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
