whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
