He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
