So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
