I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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