just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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