I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize