So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
