Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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