Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
