I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
