i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
