im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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