she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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