i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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