I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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