Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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