Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
