nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
