I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
