Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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