i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
