last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
