I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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