I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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