I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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