Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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