two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize