I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize